What kept me?

Here in the dark.
I hear the poundin' of my heart.
And the body art.
That are.
These scars.
On my arms.
Dance by the fire light.
Calm.
As the night air.
Right there.
The knife again.
No longer pain.
As it punctures my skin.
And I leave it in.
The blood is thin.
Runnin'
Down the muscle fibres.

drip.

drip.

drip.

It's a trip.
I'm taking.
There's no mistaking.
And certainly no fakin'
When I'm breaking.
My own body.
When the bag's on my back.
Going to find a new pack.
Leaving when the sky is black.
Add in the fact.
That.
While I'm running from you.
You only have youself to blame.
For all the pain.
The shame.
I feel.
Non of this is real.
It's dream.
And I scream.
With the anger of the weakness.
The bleakness.
In the fact I turned around.
And came back again.
This hold they have.
Must break at some point.

Thud.

Thud.

Thud.

It's my feet in the mud.
Running home.
Before.
They open my bedroom door.
And find my bed empty.
Here I have pleanty.
Of friends.
Family too.
There, I have the freedom.
To run by myself.
Be something else.
But still.
They pull me home.
Every time, I try to go alone.
And it's always in my chest.
The best and worst part of my anatomy.
A fact to me.
That always.
My heart.
Keeps me here.

Why I Stand in the Rain.

I love standing in the pouring rain.
Letting the water drip away the pain.
I know, I'm making no sense again.
But I love to see my reflection dissappear down a drain.
Love the way the water flows faster than the blood in my veins.
Splattering on window panes.
While I go through stuff in my brain.
My mind.
Is racing and I find.
That I seem to be blind.
To all the kind.
Actions and words.
They all become blured.
When I get lured.
Into a false sense of security.
That's why I prefer to be.
Alone in the day, and wild at night.
Where my soul takes flight.
And I no longer fight.
To be myslef, it feels so right.
When the moon is bright.
And the fire light.
Shows my true self.
That's been sat on the shelf.
The one you don't see.
You don't know me.
The one in the trees.
Can you please.
Stop staring, these.
Eyes of mine.
Stare back and see everything.
That you cling.
To, in an attempt to seem.
So much more clean.
That's why I stand in the rain.
To erradicate the pain.
Wash away the stains.
Like purification.
From Precipitaion.
And the relief that comes with evapouration.
Watch the steam rise.
With you wide eyes.
How time flies.
When you having fun.
When the rain runs.
From us both.
That's why I Stand in the Rain.
-H

I love forests, & I love trees
the oasis in the sun and the distant sea
feeling so at ease, saying what I think
I'm so consumed by everything
I love your kindness, I love your mind
warm and secure, losing track of the time
spray me with the hose, chase me down the street!
running through the aching trees
the smell of barbecues and kedgeree
looking back at times like these -
no one else could ever see what you made me see
so clear, pristine, in the sky of my mind
so naive, so kind, so thank you sweet
for letting me see the desert in me

far away

I will leave this place, as far away as possible
it's not abandonment, so please don't try & stop me - it won't work
I need space in time as minimal as possible

a new domain, a clean slate
a new space to erase
my fallen past - it's not much to ask
I want my name all cleared
I've had it planned for several years

they say write out your plans for life
and it'll make Him laugh until He cries
but I don't sympathise!
He gave us minds as thought-invites
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& if He should be listening now, I'd like a teaspoon of free time
I want to leave behind the heathens who constrict my mind
the cross that bears my name will crumble in impending flame

I will leave it all and never once come back again