Scream Silently

I'm so
utterly
sick of failing. I know this
is all voluntary, but
it doesn't seem to affect
the thoughts. I have
no real addiction, just a
desire which I can't be
bothered to supress. The
same contradictory
thoughts present themselves simultaeneously. Is this
an oxymoron? I think I
finally
understand doublethink... I want
to do it/ I never wanted
to do it. I lie to you and
promise not to do it
any more. Sometimes i
even say i dont
want to do it. But I'm
lying, as you
must realise by now... I lie
too much and I forget
which excuses
I've used before... Did I
blame the door already? What
about the frame? My
nose?

Do you expect me
to resist
tonight? I want the
taste and the intriguing
colouration. Please don't
tell me to stop. That and
the concern just adds
to it. I shouldn't
need this. I don't even know
why I do it. But it
doesn't seem to stop me.

So in the bath I advance
from nails. And enjoy the
clouds.

You must know but
you don't seem
suspicious. And now I've
lost them. All four. Shit.
Panic. Panicpanicpanic. Where?
Oh god oh god does
she know? Why hasn't
she said
anything?

I want to scream but
that would draw too
much attention. So
I scream silently.

Tom